Hard. It’s a word I’ve used a lot lately, more than I would like. I haven’t written lately because I have no clue what to write about. While Daniel gets stronger each day, everything only seems to get harder. I’m rather ashamed of my feelings lately and wish I was stronger than I am. (I’m reminded of a line from a song I love which states “I’m tough enough to be a flower” haha).
While I know it’s awesome that his energy is up and ‘cabin fever’ is inevitable, I feel a little unneeded. It feels like so much has changed and while I am trying to let Daniel focus on recovering, I miss us. It’s hard to feel close when kissing tastes weird to him, his hands can be sensitive and shaky and he needs a lot of space. Both of our emotions are really close to the surface at the moment as well, which only amplifies every minor frustration we have. The result being that we have had more disagreements this past week than we have in the whole of our two and a half year relationship. However, I am thankful that in the face of this challenge, we continue to talk and work together to get through it. We went to a movie in the afternoon, the first thing vaguely resembling a date we’ve had in the past month and we definitely both needed the time out of the house (and hospital) and just the two of us. I’m looking forward to a time when Daniel is no longer taking 10 medications multiple times a day and illness will no longer be an obstacle or stumbling block for us.
Thanks for reading. I may write these things and invite you to read them, but I usually assume (or imagine) that no one reads them, haha. I always worry that the more people get to know me, the less they will like me and this post feels more personal, so I hope you won’t think any less of me!