Little Things

So I don’t really know what this post will end up being about. There are a whole lot of thoughts roaming around in my head and I’m overtired to the point of finding everything hysterical, so this may become a bit like herding cats. Read on at the risk of your own sanity!

I guess the big thing going on in my life right now is Daniel’s transplant. He has been in the hospital for going on 18 days now and it has been 10 days since his bone marrow transfusion. It sure has been a roller coaster for everyone involved and the majority of my time is spent at the hospital. It’s kind of gotten to the point where I’ve woken up at home a few times expecting to be at the hospital and then don’t know where I am. Things with Daniel change so quickly that I hate not being there all the time. Just when we thought he might not lose his hair or feel the effects of the chemo too badly, everything changed. I left Saturday night to a Daniel who, while his throat was almost unbearably sore, could still talk, eat a little and had all his hair. When I arrived little over 12 hours later on Sunday, half his beard was gone, his mouth was so swollen he couldn’t properly open or close his mouth, talking was almost impossible and swallowing even a tiny sip of water was impossible. It’s been hard to watch, but even harder to be away and see such a change and know I wasn’t there to help him through it. I have to be reminded often that I can’t be there all the time, and getting a sore throat and not being able to visit for two days because of that was a reinforcement of that hard truth.

Everything that is going on is really a forceful reminder to take nothing for granted, especially the little things. With Daniel feeling so sick and exhausted most of the time, I don’t expect him to worry about or even pay much attention to me. But in the midst of everything, he still manages to try and take care of me, whether at the end of a sleepless night for both of us, he turns his head and whispers a voiceless “thank you” before letting exhaustion overwhelm him; a soft kiss on my nose when his mouth is too sore to open and close let alone eat, or always apologizing less than five minutes after snapping at me out of frustration with the current circumstances. It reminds me of a deeper fear that this experience will be so life-changing that he won’t need or want me anymore, that we won’t make it through. I had this same fear last year when I left for McMaster and we began a year-long long distance relationship. But while that year was hard, it never brought our relationship even close to the breaking point, and as these small gestures demonstrate, this year’s challenges will not break us either. In the meantime, I’ll be at the hospital supporting Daniel in whatever way I can, which at the moment means reading Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince to him as he falls asleep. While it’s hard to look too much into the future at the moment, I look forward to better days, and especially, our wedding which is in 11 months today!!

Thanks for putting up with my slightly scattered thoughts!

Something to Look Forward To!

It’s been an emotional few days, preparing for Daniel’s time in the hospital and now adjusting to what the next 6 weeks are going to look like. One good thing is that I don’t have to gown up to visit Daniel and can curl up next to him too! The chemo isn’t supposed to hit him until 5-7 days after, so the transplant and chemo will hit him at the same time. All this is an adjustment for me too as I’m trying to figure out how much I can handle and what I need to do in order to keep myself sane and healthy over the upcoming weeks and months so I can best support Daniel. 

But today, I want to focus on something exciting that Daniel and I are both looking forward to: Our Wedding!! We’ve gotten a lot planned over the last few weeks and we’re starting to get really excited now that it’s a little less than a year away! So here are some details we’re super excited about!

  1. My dress! I bought my dress while I was still in Ontario with my Mom and Grandma. I love it and cannot wait to wear it again! Sadly, no pictures or too much description in case Daniel stumbles upon this site, but it’s gorgeous and really works with our venues. 
  2. Our Venues! Assiniboine Park has been a huge part of our relationship as well as my favourite place in the city, so it only makes sense to have it at the centre of our wedding. That means we’re having our morning ceremony under the arbour in the Leo Mol Sculpture Garden and a brunch reception at Terrace 55! (Daniel always laughs at me when I tell people we’re having a morning wedding, haha)
  3. Time and Date! As I just mentioned, we’re having a morning wedding, a Sunday morning wedding to be specific, and it has been the best decision we’ve made so far! Neither of us are big dancers and alcohol is something we want to downplay as well. We’ve saved $13,000 alone on Terrace 55 by having a brunch reception instead of dinner and got our fabulous photographer for half price as well based solely on the fact we’re having a morning wedding!
  4. Our Photographer! We’ve gone with Melissa Johnstone of Sugar and Soul Photography and are so excited about it! She brings an energy to her work that will help both Daniel and I to open up in front of the camera and is just as quirky as we are!
  5. Rings! Daniel bought me a gorgeous engagement ring, but that’s not what I’m talking about. He’s been almost as excited about finding a ring for him as I was about getting an engagement ring! Because of that, I planned on getting him his ring for Christmas. However, when we went into Vandenberg’s to design a custom band to fit my engagement ring, we found the perfect ring for Daniel too! I went back the day after and got a sunflower (which I drew!) engraved on it in order to surprise him with it before he went into the hospital. He loves it and will wear it on his right hand until we’re married next August! So if you see us, ask to see Daniel’s ring, he’ll be happy to show it off!

Thanks for sharing in our excitement! All this planning has also helped give us something to look forward to as we spend our days in the hospital.