So I don’t really know what this post will end up being about. There are a whole lot of thoughts roaming around in my head and I’m overtired to the point of finding everything hysterical, so this may become a bit like herding cats. Read on at the risk of your own sanity!
I guess the big thing going on in my life right now is Daniel’s transplant. He has been in the hospital for going on 18 days now and it has been 10 days since his bone marrow transfusion. It sure has been a roller coaster for everyone involved and the majority of my time is spent at the hospital. It’s kind of gotten to the point where I’ve woken up at home a few times expecting to be at the hospital and then don’t know where I am. Things with Daniel change so quickly that I hate not being there all the time. Just when we thought he might not lose his hair or feel the effects of the chemo too badly, everything changed. I left Saturday night to a Daniel who, while his throat was almost unbearably sore, could still talk, eat a little and had all his hair. When I arrived little over 12 hours later on Sunday, half his beard was gone, his mouth was so swollen he couldn’t properly open or close his mouth, talking was almost impossible and swallowing even a tiny sip of water was impossible. It’s been hard to watch, but even harder to be away and see such a change and know I wasn’t there to help him through it. I have to be reminded often that I can’t be there all the time, and getting a sore throat and not being able to visit for two days because of that was a reinforcement of that hard truth.
Everything that is going on is really a forceful reminder to take nothing for granted, especially the little things. With Daniel feeling so sick and exhausted most of the time, I don’t expect him to worry about or even pay much attention to me. But in the midst of everything, he still manages to try and take care of me, whether at the end of a sleepless night for both of us, he turns his head and whispers a voiceless “thank you” before letting exhaustion overwhelm him; a soft kiss on my nose when his mouth is too sore to open and close let alone eat, or always apologizing less than five minutes after snapping at me out of frustration with the current circumstances. It reminds me of a deeper fear that this experience will be so life-changing that he won’t need or want me anymore, that we won’t make it through. I had this same fear last year when I left for McMaster and we began a year-long long distance relationship. But while that year was hard, it never brought our relationship even close to the breaking point, and as these small gestures demonstrate, this year’s challenges will not break us either. In the meantime, I’ll be at the hospital supporting Daniel in whatever way I can, which at the moment means reading Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince to him as he falls asleep. While it’s hard to look too much into the future at the moment, I look forward to better days, and especially, our wedding which is in 11 months today!!
Thanks for putting up with my slightly scattered thoughts!